Wondering about the name of this blog? It grew from this poem of mine written January 2013:
Sometimes I feel stuck. Down and dumb and stuck. With that same, unrelenting anxiety, the urge, the call to do something, but not knowing what to do, not being able to do much of anything at all, and whenever I do find an answer, it is always: “Wait for further instructions”.
It is so uncomfortable, to be without direction. It is so hard to be patient, when it feels like waiting itself may be a mistake. And sometimes it is hard to remember that even when I feel this way, I am not broken.
I feel the edges of things clashing together inside me, but I still am not broken. It is simply the nature of some things to clash together. It’s supposed to be that way.
I am at absolute quincunx between myself and my environment, myself and my wished-for Self, what I should do and what I can do; but I still am not broken. It is simply the nature of growing, to learn how to reconcile waking and dream, that will give me strength. It’s supposed to be that way.
None of us are broken. To have integrity is to have an inner conflict; without that conflict we are not whole.
If I am whole, then why do I still feel like I can’t do anything right? Ah, but human experience has limits, and I have mixed success when pushing those limits. It’s supposed to be that way.
I know that part of my heart will always be empty, but I still am not broken. It is simply the nature of a pump that it empties, fills, empties, fills- that is how it keeps life moving through me. That is how it keeps me moving through life. It’s supposed to be that way.
No, I am not broken. There is no error in my being. There is no great hole in my heart.
There is instead my whole heart, to keep me moving through life until life and I are both ready, and it finally is the right time.