here’s a grinchy stand-up routine I made up, because why not

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

what kind of missions is Santa sending his reindeer on, that they come back and have radioactive children?  is this fallout from the world wars?  is someone burying nuclear waste at the north pole?  even magical folk think it’s a bad sign when you start to glow

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

so Santa’s reindeer, whose purpose it is to deliver joy and toys to all the children of the world on Christmas Eve, are basically just assholes the rest of the time?  is that supposed to be a satirical remark on Christianity or something?

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

Santa’s all like, I have a magical toy workshop run by magical elves, use magical reindeer to fly around the world in a magical sleigh in a single night, and use magic to fit down any chimney or through any keyhole to get where I need to go, but, fog.  I mean, whatcha gonna do?

Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history”

yeah.  hey Rudolph we’ll let you do the thing you were actually literally born to do and have been fully capable of doing this entire time (ie, pull Santa’s sleigh) even though you’re different from us in a way that doesn’t affect your functioning, and that will make us feel so generous and good about ourselves because we were not assholes this one time.  yay Rudolph you’ve saved CHRISTMAS/ most condescending cheer ever.  fact check:  “you’ll go down in history” is the equivalent of “this story will go viral on the internet”.  just Google “inspiration porn”


Ho ho ho  X)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s